Sunday, January 15, 2012


Well. I seem to have gotten through one of the phases of anger (I'm not naive enough to believe that there won't be more), and I'm in a stage of... resigned displeasure, I suppose. Something like that. I expect to hear things that are total crap, but I'm not angered by them. I express (generally through fMh) what I don't like about them, what I would like us to change, etc. I think about them, and about how they affect me personally.

I'm still not sure where I'd like to end up with the church. I've talked to a few family members who've left, and that's been immensely helpful to me--I have a very large, very TBM family, and I needed to know that there would at least be a little bit of support for me somewhere. Still not ready to share with the TBMs, though, although I have let a lot more slip on my personal blog than I'd originally intended. Oh well, I decided, they might as well start getting an idea.

I'm up in the air about Joseph Smith. Do I think he was just a liar? Not really... Nor do I think he was insane. Don't know if I think he was "struck down" for leading the church astray, the way I've heard mentioned... Although I have to admit my brain hasn't dismissed the idea. (The theory is that he was killed because of what he was doing with polygamy.) It had never occurred to me before, and I certainly don't know that I believe it. But I'm willing to consider it a possibility. I read the stories of those women--the firsthand stories--and I often feel physically ill. I don't know what it is exactly, but something isn't right there.

I talked to a friend the other night about the temple ceremonies--she's part of fMh, but also a pretty faithful member, so her perspective was interesting to me. She told me that she'd had a lot of trouble with the temple, too, and came to the conclusion that, essentially, it's still just out of date. The church manuals have changed drastically throughout the years, and the garments have changed so much they'd probably make the original members of the church pass out from the scandal. I think she's probably right. I think the crippling, wrenching hurt and nausea I felt when I first learned about these things is... well, maybe because I was taking them too seriously. Which, to be fair, is exactly how Mormons are taught to take them--case in point, imagine the reaction if I told people that I thought the temple ceremonies were just written by sexist men and will someday be changed. And I obviously don't mean to diminish that pain I felt, or the similar pain that so many others have felt about the same issue. Maybe I'm just being naive right now in thinking that I'm past that stage; maybe it would take actually going through the temple to find out whether or not I really am. (For the record: I don't actually see this in my future. But I suppose anything could happen.)

Anyway. I haven't written here in a little while so I just figured I'd catch you up. I think maybe the pseudo-"coming out" to my TBM friends has helped me acquire at least a little bit of peace about this; they certainly don't know the extent of things, but they know that I'm no longer the Molly Mormon they knew, and the process of explaining myself and justifying my position to them has really helped me feel a little more solid about things.

Logistical question: Do you think it's a bad idea to post links to my personal blog here? Could that somehow make it easier for people to find there way here? Again, I'm not working too hard to keep this a secret... But I don't want to just lead them straight here, either. I was going to link to that conversation on my blog so you could see how the coming out is going. (Then again, most of you already know my personal blog and have already seen it. Let me know if you haven't, and need the link.)


  1. Here's my advice to you. Find a spiritual home in which you are comfortable. I don't think any religion is perfect, but some are a better fit than others. I've started rediscovering my family church after a few detours. I learned some great things during that time away and have a new perspective. There are some aspects I don't like about this church, but the good far outweighs the bad. So branch out. Try something new. You never know where you may land. -An AZ friend

    1. I really would like to do this. Regardless of whether I decide to stick around this one, I do want to explore other churches. I've become very aware lately of how much beauty there is in other religious traditions, rather than being weirded out by them like I was as a kid (oh, the totality of cultural brainwashing), and I'm anxious to experience them for myself. I very much like the idea of personal traditions that include pieces from many different faiths, because I feel strongly that God (whatever kind of God there is) accepts and loves them all.

  2. I think the fact that you recognized that there are cycles is huge. Part of finding an inner balance is being self-ware or your own cycles of anger and grief. It gives me some perspective when I am really upset by patriarchy. I know that my anger is furthered by stress, depression, etc. and that it will wane in time.

    It's interesting that you feel that you were taking the temple ceremonies too seriously. I feel the same way: that the temple ceremonies are dated and their "sacred nature" keeps them from being updated in the ways much of our other material is. I take a similar stance on a lot of church policies I'm not fond of. Modesty? I dress in a way that is typically considered so, but it's really not serious enough to be worth my time.

    1. I think it's definitely helped, Lauren. If nothing else it's just helped me to take the anger and grief in stride, rather than feeling like each new wave is something earth-shattering.

  3. I think if you link from this blog TO that one, it shouldn't leave a trail, but of course... if you link the other way. :)

    Do you think the temple is as important as we were taught it is??
    The struggle I run into (because of course I take it all seriously, unless I think it's all crap...) is that if the temple and the ceremonies and ordinances are SO important, why are they changing?? Why don't I need to make the same oaths that my grandparents made? And I haven't been in a long time, but I've heard they've changed things even more in the past couple of years...

    And why did my grandma have to commit to obeying her husband, but I just have to commit to hearkening to my husband, which is only slightly different, but different still...

    (And this is why I have left religion behind. It confuses me and makes me crazy.)

    1. That's actually one of my main questions--is the temple really as important as I've always thought it is? I'm having a hard time with things like sealing ordinances; do I really think that God won't allow people to be together when they die because they didn't get sealed? My instinct says no, but am I just telling myself what I want to hear?

      I'm really starting to think that the answer to your last question is just that it's all out of date. That these ceremonies are written by people, who are living in their time periods, and who are imperfect. I mean really, do we think God used to want women to "obey" their husbands and now only to "hearken" (assuming that's actually any different)? I don't. It's the same thing with the garments, which people think are all sacred-and-untouchable, when in fact they barely even resemble the original design. If I'm going to come to terms with anything here, I think it might be necessary that I realize how many things are just the work of men, not God's personal direction.